The Taco Meatloaf.

Cool-Hog LOVES Tacoloaf!

The link in the Facebook text links to a suspicious website that my workplace blocks – so I’m going to go ahead and claim that I invented this recipe.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY MY INVENTION, INTERNET!

I tackled making one of these bad boys last night! So come along! Let me show you how so you can make one too!

First, get all of these ingredients:

MAIN TACOLOAF STUFF
1 pound of ground beef
½ cup of finely crushed corn chips
1 beaten egg
3 teaspoons chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
½ cup of thick and chunky salsa
½ teaspoon black pepper
½ cup of Mexican blend shredded cheese (or be a badass and grate your own cheese like me!)

TOPPING STUFF
1 cup of refried beans
¼ cup of your favorite salsa
1 cup of Mexican blend shredded cheese

“Now what do I do?!” you’re probably screaming, stomach rumbling and half dead from hunger.

First, grate your cheese so it’s in a big heaping mess like this, and set it aside.

I used sharp Cheddar and jalapeño Jack cheese!

Then, beat your egg in a human sized bowl

Pictured, for those who don’t know what a beaten egg looks like.

once beaten add in your spices!

when possible, grind some up fresh to add more work to your meal preparation.

Try spicing up your relationship by having your significant other do the hard work for you.

Then, in a bigger bowl, put all your loaf stuff together. Beef, egg spices, cheese, crunched up chips – the whole works.

DON’T LOOK!! IT’S NAKED!!

Then mix that junk up with your hands. Don’t use a spoon, that’s a weak tool for loser babies. Grab that meat and massage it like you knead it!

It kneads it SO BAD!

After that’s thoroughly smooshed, get a baking sheet and cover it in tinfoil and grease it with spray on oil or butter or whatever. Don’t use too much because this loaf is gonna be greasy as is – this is just so your loaf doesn’t tear away bits of tinfoil when you serve it.

No one likes eating tinfoil.

Once properly greased, loaf up your loaf into whatever loaf shape you want! I chose flat, long, and wide so it would cook properly. If you’re a fan of uncooked loaf though, feel free to leave some thick areas on your loaf shape.

Just how all the ladies like it.
Long, wide, and raw.

Now start preheating your oven. Crank it to 375 degrees. I’d show a picture of that, but my oven just says “Pre” for some reason.

Is my oven trying to tell me it’s pregnant?

While that’s going, get all your topping stuff and mix that in another bowl, so you’ve got a lot to clean up when you’re done eating.

Once completely mixed, glaze your loaf with that bean and cheese flavored icing!

It’s like a birthday cake!
If a birthday cake was made of raw meat and chili powder.

By now, your oven must be hot – so slide that loaf into your oven nice and easy. If it’s hard to fit in, take your time. Slow and steady thrusts will slide that loaf in. Be careful though, things are getting hot in there and you don’t want to get burned.

Leave that loaf in there for 45 minutes.

The bubbles mean it’s working!

While that cooks up, make up a garnish half-assedly by cutting up some cherry tomatoes and avocados you have lying around the house.

Make sure to remind your SO that they’re awesome while they’re cutting up greasy avocados. If you’re lucky they’ll do this while NUDE!

Add some lime if you’re feeling sassy!

SASSIFIED!

YOU’RE ALMOST THERE!

With about 4 minutes left on the clock, open the oven and huck what’s left of your cheese at the loaf.

Don’t put your hands in there! It’s hot, stupid! Just hope for the best and keep throwing.

AND IT’S DONE!

NAILED IT.

If you followed these directions, it should look just like the picture!

Now put it on a plate and Instagram that shit!

BEHOLD!

BEHOLD SOME MORE!!

If you’re gross like me, use the left over chips from the bag and scoop up the bean, grease, and cheese runoff to make make-shift nachos!

Serves 2-4 people.

Or 1 if you’re really hungry.

Boner appetite, and stay sexy!

It’s Star Trek by way of Space Quest 5 that plays like Final Fantasy Tactics without all the time wasted waiting for your turn.

If you understand any of that last sentence, then you know just how awesome this game is.

I review the game in today’s episode of Internet After Dark!

You can read the full AMA on Reddit
VIA THIS LINK

SEXYLADYOMETER RATING: 9

Be sure to subscribe to my channel on Blip.TV!

http://blip.tv/internetafterdark

As always – if you like the music, please visit the links where you can download their music for free and comment on their work!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time ‘Subterranean Kamikaze’

It was a bygone age before they had become ubiquitous in our daily lives, and so no one really knew what these TVs-with-typewriters-stuck-to-them could actually do. If you slapped some thick rimmed glasses on an actor and called them a “Computer Genius”, then ANYTHING could be unlocked, learned, accomplished, or created as the plot dictated. From sexy lady genies, to lavish presentations of potential doomsday scenarios, to nearly starting World War III – computers were the reality bridge for for any sort of real world fantasy.

Smack dab in the middle of all of this, in the year 1984, was a TV show produced for ABC called Automan.

Not many people know about this show – in fact, I’ve only just discovered this show today – especially because it only lasted a single season of 12 episodes (though 13 were produced). It would have been completely forgotten, but in the boom of DVD releases that occurred in the early 2000′s the entire series was released in the UK (where I suppose it was far better received). The best part about this was the fact that they were able to gather all of the original stars – and even the show’s creator, Glen A Larson – and film a 40+ minute documentary about the show.

This documentary is all you need to see.

I’m not kidding.

It’s a time capsule of this amazing point of time. It showcases every last gooey morsel of campy overacting and c-grade special effects in clips, and it manifests in this amazing real-life Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place.

And I’m going to break it all down for you!

Upon firing up the mini-documentary we’re first treated to the title of the the piece.

Before I begin this breakdown, you need to know something about Automan. The show clearly throws around the word “Auto” (short for “automatic”) like Batman throws around the word “Bat” while naming things he owns.

Also, before the I delve too much into this featurette, I should break down what the basic plot of Automan was.

Back in the day when most people thought computers were stupid nerd boxes for losers, the police (of an undisclosed Californian precinct) were granted a ton of money to computerize their precinct. So, they carved off some of the money, filled a room with magnificent giant computers, and used the rest to wisely invest in more officers. Assigned to this clearly useless room was officer, computer programmer, and waste-of-space, Walter Nebicher (played by full-time nerd Desi Arnaz, Jr.). Instead of just kicking back and getting an easy and safe paycheck – Walter is, of course, as passionate about his computer programming as he is fighting bad guys. The only problem is that he’s hindered by his complete lack of physical prowess and passive aggressive wussy-ness. After being continually shot down by the chief of police, he goes about creating the Perfect Hologram video game thing – which manifests as Automan (played by Chuck Wagner’s magnificent chin) – the first automatic man! Walter quickly discovers that Automan has a completely autonomous artificial intelligence, and claims to be completely better than Walt in every way. “On a scale from one to ten, I’m an eleven.” Automan boasts.

Instead of immediately murdering Walter and every human in existence for being lesser than himself, Automan graciously decides to be a superhero instead. He takes up crime fighting all wrongdoers as Automan! Because he’s a super unbeatable impervious genius that’s great at everything, he takes up the completely awesome secret identity of Otto J. Mann (the “J” stands for “Automatic”) so he can walk around the precinct without alarm. Also he wears clothes, because his real body (save for his face) is all glowy. He teams up with Walter and his sidekick, Cursor, an actual computer cursor that can talk in beeps and boops and hovers around him like a fairy. Also, because Automan isn’t unbeatable enough, Cursor can draw objects that become tangible holograms which Automan uses. Like the Autocar, the Autochopper, and Automan’s Autoclothes when he’s not walking around nude to impress Walter.

But just before you think that Automan is completely unbeatable, because he totally is, THERE’S A PLOT TWIST! The police precinct uses it’s electricity during the day for doing policey stuff – which means that Automan (a computer run hologram that uses a VAST amount of electricity) can only perform for very short amounts of time during the day.

But that’s cool, because he can be on full time at night, and night is the only time crime really happens. Plus his glowy Tron effects look WAY cooler at night.

Oh! Also, there’s a girl! She’s played by Heather McNair and her character’s name was Roxanne Caldwell! I guess she’s there to add a really awkward love interest for Walter, but mostly she’s there just to say the exposition and wear red dresses. I have no idea what her character was supposed to be, and apparently neither did she apparently. One of my favorite parts of the documentary are the interviews with Heather. She clearly hated her role on the show and her time making it, but still tries her best to give an upbeat interview while she casually divulges that she had no real direction or motivation.

Now that you know what Automan was about, lets delve into the secrets of Calling Automan: The Auto Feature.

After a short opening sequence, we’re greeted by the Chuck Wagner’s modern day self. He’s grown into the exact image of someone’s lout of a dad after his sporty metabolism slowed down and one too many of his dreams had been crushed. He welcomes us and spins a tale about how he first auditioned for the role. He backtracks slightly by saying it was still early in his career – like he was embarrassed by the whole ordeal – but presses on. He explains how overwhelmed he was by the dazzling display of peak male physical forms that surrounded him at the audition, but then goes on for a minute or two about how he knew he’d be the actor chosen because he’s the right amount of white, handsome, blue eyed, and blond. The “everyman” that he knew that Larson was and was looking for.

The wording is just vague enough for me to question if Larson is the man who thinks that the Nazi ideal is the picturesque “everyman”, or if that’s what Chuck’s racist understanding of what an “everyman” is.

Next we’re ripped away from the smooth resonance of Chuck’s nigh-whispering voice by the nasal foghorn that is Desi Arnaz, Jr. He launches into a boring story, name dropping all the way, about how he was called and offered the role of Walter. He comes across in that overly affected actor way – where this interview is his big chance to audition for his next dinner theater role.

This is backed up by an interjecting Chuck who goes on at length about what a joy it was to work with Dezi, and how much of a fan he was of his work as a kid. It’s hard to figure out if this is because he’s genuinely kissing up to Dezi Jr, or if he’s honestly confusing Dezi Jr for his Dad.

Chuck continues his rambling ass kissing monologue, eventually turning his attention to Heather McNair. He blabbers out that she’s “the epitome of what a beautiful woman was back in that day.” Chuck then backpedals immediately “AND TODAY!” He then continues before anyone can cut his mic, “I don’t know what kind of sacrifices she’s doing because she is doing fantastic! She is doing fantastic.”

There’s a sudden gearshift and we’re introduced to Heather, who seems to relish saying Automan in the same way your Mom makes fun of the name of the cartoon you watched as a kid.

It jumpcuts away again to a “charming” scene where Walter passive aggressively Mary Sues his way into a date with Roxanne by whining. The scene is a lot more fun to watch if you imagine the two of them trying to top the other’s terrible line read, and a lot less fun to watch when you realize that this is the writers understanding of what romance is.

McNair then blasts back into the frame, where she bravely explains that she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t have the tools to make the character of Roxanne, so she says most of the time she was just being herself on screen.

This is backed up with a quick scene from the show where she phones in some terrible line of dialog.

McNair does find some dissimilarities between herself and her part though – Roxanne wore more makeup and more red than she did.

Dezi pops back again and spins a tale about how out of the 5 girls he read with, Heather was the one he liked – so he basically had her hired through his clout. It’s a ballsy claim, but I’m sure 75% of the reason this show existed was because they secured him as the co-lead in the show.

Then, just when you think this documentary can’t get any better, the mustachioed, blue bespectacled, Droopy-Dog-faced creator/producer of Automan fills the screen. It’s Glen A. Larson in all his probably plagiarizing glory. Glen goes on to explain how he called in Donald Kushner and Peter Locke, the producers of Tron. He makes deadly clear that he HATED Tron, but he knew the public would like it. Not all the beeps and boops mind you – it would all have to be dumbed down for American TV audiences – but he knew there was money to be made in this Tron garbage if it was spun the right way.

The next sequence is a fun little bit where Chuck explains what video games were back in the day, and how Automan was an amalgamation of every handsome man in the world to become an extension of Walter – his superego made real. It’s the kind of charming realization from a man who probably forgot over the years that they told this information directly to the audience in every episode of Automan.

Dezi then goes on to explain the character of Walter in what feels less like an understanding of a character he’s played and more like an honest confessional of his own character flaws. Even when he reclaims his composure and claims that Walter was basically a superhero because he created Automan – it reads more like Dezi trying to justify that being the kid of someone super famous was just as good.

Dezi then goes on to explain one of Automan’s goofier powers – namely, allowing Walter to step inside of him and gain a modicum of control over Automan. He tries valiantly to explain why this would EVER be a good idea outside of temporary protection, but there’s no real reason that Automan would EVER need to give his control over to Walter. At best it just underscores just how selfish and self centered Walter is that he needs to take control of his autonomous creation. At worst it shows that Dezi was probably fighting with the writers at every turn to be included more in the superhero stuff in the show.

This is followed by Chuck describing his memories of how the special effects were accomplished for the show. It’s compelling to learn that even before Lucas greenscreened everything, Actors still had to deal with acting to stuff that wasn’t really there. “For me, Cursor was a ball on a stick.” laughs Chuck. He then tries his best to explain why they were a CGI series before there was CGI – but it’s all messy and should have been handled by the original effects guys – if the documentary team had bothered to look them up.

BONUS: Dezi spending two minutes describing what a cursor is.

Heather comes back to take her turn describing Cursor, and explains how cute it was to be sexually harassed by it. She does drop that it was pre-programmed to like blonds, so it’s basically an extension of Walter’s libido which is glossed over entirely. Ultimately we’re left with the understanding that the writers thought that invading a woman’s privacy was worth a laugh or two.

Next they talk about the Autocar which was – at the time – the newest Lamborghini you could buy. This proved troublesome for Chuck since he was average-man sized, and could barely fit in the thing. It’s hilarious to note that they had to mock up a larger interior for shots inside the car because the real car was too small to film inside. It’s also funny to note that Chuck lets slip that Glen had bought the car because he wanted it, and probably used the show as a front to offset the cost of the expensive sport car.

The rest of the Autovehicles were not very complex effects, but Chuck sure does take his sweet bumbly time explaining them.

Dezi then explains how he invented a comedy bit for Walter where he suffers from inertia during quick turns as a passenger in the Autocar. A problem with that would probably be fixed if he just put on a seat belt, but since he programmed the car, it’s probably just another extension of Walter’s subconscious – and how much he secretly hates himself.

Dezi does make sure to note that THIS WAS A STUNT. In case any casting directors are interested, Dezi does his own stunts.

Out of nowhere, Uncle Glen pops up again to lament all these dumb effects in Automan. They sure did take a lot of research and development. He sure has no idea how it all worked, but he does know it cost him a LOT of money to make it work.

Chuck backs this up by explaining his Automan suit. He apparently went through 10 of these over the 13 episodes they shot – so I can see how it was an expensive pain to deal with this effect. Remarkably the effect was not done digitally, it was all done practically. Each panel was reflective, and they shined a light at him at a 45 degree angle to achieve the sparkling effect. The bad news? Those panels not only reflected light, they retained the heat from those lamps – so he was basically wearing a solar oven on set every day.

Even more infuriating was the fact that they eventually matted out the majority of the panels with an old film trick to get the blue star field, so he never really had to be cooked every time he was in costume.

As Chuck takes a few seconds to explain how time intensive it was to block the light so it would only hit his suit and not his face for the effect – I can’t help but think about how many problems Tron had as they made it. They basically had to junk the majority of the footage and reshoot at one point because they figured out a better way to make the glowy effect they wanted. This all just screams that the effect guys – the same ones behind Tron and the ones missing from this documentary – must have been insanely hard to work with.

Anyway, Chuck closes this segment by dropping the fact that each episode of Automan cost around 50,000 dollars which is an INSANE amount of money in 80′s money.

Look, I could go on for pages, but this breakdown has already gone on WAY too long. Plus it’s not even coming close to doing justice to describing everything that happens in this video.

If you love campy 80′s schlock and old school effects then YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS. I’ve started my quest to hunt down all 13 episodes of Automan, and I’ll break down those episodes if I can get my hands on them.

Until next time, STAY SEXY.

I like fast paced management simulators like Diner Dash and Theme Hospital – especially when they’re given a subversive twist. To my shock and horror, Zombie Café is not like those games. It’s a slow paced Farmville clone with very little gameplay, social interaction, or customization involved.

It’s a poorly executed game from the same studio that brought us the really fun Ghostbusters iOS game, so I really expected more from them.

SEXYLADYOMETER RATING: 5

Be sure to subscribe to my channel on Blip.TV!

http://blip.tv/internetafterdark

As always – if you like the music, please visit the links where you can download their music for free and comment on their work!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time ‘Subterranean Kamikaze’

So I challenged myself. I decided early on that I wanted to make my exploitation an exploit of a gimmick first and foremost. I didn’t feel strong enough to exploit violence or sex, plus I really wanted to make some budget practical effects. At first I thought I would try my hand at a POV film, but I quickly learned that another film maker had his sights set on that – so I decided to increase my challenge by making a 3D movie.

There were a few tutorials online, but all required fairly complex or expensive rigs. I was still new to all this and mostly broke, so I set to work creating a wooden rig that would allow me to attach 2 Flip Camcorders side by side to create the stereoscopic image I needed to edit the film. I bought 2 flips (one black and one white so I could keep track of which held the footage of the left and right eye respectively) and measured and cut the wood myself. I even painted it black so it would look a little bit better while shooting, despite the fact that it was just wood and wingnuts holding it together.

The amazing thing was that it worked.

So with a successful test under my belt and about 128 dollars worth of plastic spiders, I shot AracAttack! In 3D!!

I even William Castle-ed it, by tossing plastic spiders on the audience at the last part of the film. It was a hilarious success that was one of the highlights of the festival run.

And I thought that was the end of it. I parked it on a dusty corner of Vimeo and barely looked at it again.

That was until this past weekend, where I dusted it off (along with a bunch of custom 3D glasses I made for the event) and screened it as part of the 1st Annual Bad Film Festival!

It was a huge success again, and that’s why I’m proud to present for the first time publicly AracAttack! In 3D!!

This film DOES require anaglyph 3D glasses (red/cyan), but there’s a few places online you can get a single pair from for free or for very cheap. Namely the AMAZING folks at Rainbow Symphony which offer one free pair of 3D glasses through the mail if you write to them.

THE ORIGINAL BLURB:
Ace exterminator, Deuce Johnson, has been hired to to take care of a spider infestation at a residential laboratory, only to discover the deadly truth – a truth so terrifying, only screams can describe it! Come experience the startling story based on scientific fact, proudly presented in Emerge-o-Vision – a groundbreaking new film making technique that will bring the thrills and dangers of the motion picture into the theater itself! All those attending this once in a lifetime event will receive a free pair of high tech Emerge-o-Vision glasses from film maker Douglas MacKrell himself!

Starring:
Josh Lay as Deuce Johnson

Stuart Metcalf as Dr. Archimedes Martin

Sarah Bisman as Gert VanLandingham

and

Betsy Sanders as Molly Martin

AracAttack! In 3D!! Theme by
Brynen A. Sosa
and
Noah Luogameno

Original Music by
Brynen A. Sosa

Written, Directed, and Edited by
Douglas MacKrell

Assistant Writers
Jenelle Sosa
Becky Byers

Special Effects created by
Douglas MacKrell
with special thanks to www.indymogul.com

Lighting, Sound, PA, Grip and Effect Support
Ming Chin
Ivy Hong
Devon Riley
Terese Jordan
Alexander Diaz

Produced by
Douglas MacKrell

From what little Warner Bros. shared from the beginning, it looked to be a plodding mess of a film where Clark Kent would spend most of the film afraid of his powers and and coming to grips with the fact that he’s Superman. The kind of rehashed story we’ve seen a lot of already where everyone, even the audience is shouting at Clark “USE YOUR POWERS AND BE A SUPERHERO!” while Clark whines “But I’ve always been told that my powers were bAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.”

I didn’t want to see another Superman Returns, where Superman as a character is a muddled confused brooding mess that eventually flies around and does some stuff.

That was until I saw this trailer.

Everyone is going crazy over the action and the special effects, but that’s not what hooked me.

What hooked me was the simple and personal scene where Lois Lane interviews Superman.

Cavill and Adams sit there nearly naked, no special effects or plot devices to hide behind just the two actors sitting in this intimate scene. The chemistry they share is electric.

But more importantly this heartbeat of a scene they linger on toward the end of the trailer showcases so much more.

1. This film will not be an exercise in pure spectacle. Modern Blockbuster films (with a few exceptions) have been mostly EPIC for EPIC’s sake. Devoid of heart, storytelling, or characterization and merely a string of larger explosions until it’s finished. This simple scene between Lois and Superman at the end of the trailer – a point where theoretically you would showcase and tease the film’s grandest action sequences – is instead reserved for this tender moment where the spectacle is nothing more than the connection and performance from these two skilled actors.
2. This trailer mirrors the goal of that scene in reality. In Superman films of the past, the audience and the general population of the world the film exists in are both introduced to the titular character in a splashy rescue sequence. I’m sure that there will be some grand debut of Supes in costume for the first time saving the day – but this sequence, where he allows himself to be captured by the government, be locked in a room, and be interviewed personally by the press, is a necessary move.  He’s needs to show the world that he’s a good guy. He needs to show everyone that he’s real person and not a scary monster. That he’s nothing to be afraid of. It evokes the campy rooftop date/interview of the first Reeve Superman film, but unlike that film – this interview is not for the sake of only Lois Lane. This is an interview for the world. A moment where the grand theatrics are tossed aside and the man in the cape is placed under flat unflattering lights and examined. What’s so amazing about this, is that the trailer uses this scene to show the world – one who remembers and dislikes the camp of Reeve and the brooding reverence of Routh, and shows them that Cavill is the real deal. It shows them that he’s more than just a handsome face, a costume, or a special effect… and it shows them that he’s willing to be totally exposed and truthful.
3. It deflates the stigma of being an idealistic Boy Scout. Writers of Superman seem to wrestle with the core concept that Superman is a confident good guy. One who believes in himself as much as he does for humanity. Either they doubt it in themselves or they can’t make the leap such a person could exist in reality – so they try to make Superman a mess of morality or questioning his actions or always fighting with some crisis of conscience. This sequence shows us that clean cut Superman can be invulnerable and vulnerable. That he believes in the hope for humanity that he literally wears on his chest. What’s best is that he does so without a wink to the camera or a waiver of confidence. He makes being a hero believable, honest, and sexy.
4. It shows the film’s true colors. One of the main things I disliked about the early shots of the film was that it seemed devoid of color. Every frame was muddled and washed with a steel blue at the cost of the vivid primary colors you think of in superhero films. But I was wrong. Superficial and wrong. The film’s true colors are underneath the downplayed visuals. The film won’t need distracting colors to carry it’s message and please it’s audience. This is a film that will strive to inspire and color your soul without ham fisted visuals.
5. It makes me believe that other DC style superheroes could coexist in that world now. In Man of Steel, Superman is going to show the world that costumed humans with extraordinary powers can exist, and that the majority of the population shouldn’t freak out. Sure it won’t be universal. Pendants like Jack Ryder will tear them down, and the Lex Luthors of the world will envy them – but average Joes will see that streak of red or that flash of gold and know that they’re a little safer. That the good guys are there to tip the balance in their favor.

This third trailer for Man of Steel is a nigh work of art. Smartly done, and hopefully the film follows suit – because I want a Superman I can believe in. A Superman I can cheer for. A Superman that’s as at home punching robots and flying around as he is saving a kitten from a tree and calming the little girl that lost it. A Superman that can jump over tall buildings in a single bound and still be a real person.

And after watching this trailer, it looks like my hopes may be true.

Thank you all so much for watching and supporting – I appreciate it so much.

Please enjoy my short life story as told through garbage drawings as I tackle the Draw My Life challenge.

Here’s to the future – the next 100 episodes will be EVEN BETTER!

As always – if you like the music, please visit the links where you can download their music for free and comment on their work!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time ‘Subterranean Kamikaze’

It’s not fair, and much like the Hawkeye Initiative, I’ve decided to start redrawing male characters from my favorite cartoons in compromising sexual poses.

Turnabout is fair play, after all.

Sexy, sexy play.

This week’s sexpot, Inspector Gadget!

OH YEAH!

YOU’RE ALWAYS ON DUTY, BUT YOU SHOULD BE ON ME!!

GO GO GADGET DAT ASS!!!!!!!

Want to put Sexy Inspector Gadget in your own work?

YOUR DREAMS HAVE JUST COME TRUE!

YOU’RE WELCOME

Time Trax.

Time Trax is the last show produced by the powerhouse Lorimar Productions, the team that produced smash hits of the 80′s like Dallas, Knots Landing, The People’s Court, Thundercats, Perfect Strangers, and Full House. It lasted two seasons, and featured the adventures of Darien Lambert (as portrayed by a young Dale Midkiff), a cop with a “haunted past” who is sent from the year 2193 to the year 1993 to track down the evil scientist Dr. Mordecai Sahmbi (played by Peter Donat) and a hand full of various ne’er-do-wells before they destroy his present (our future).

How can he pull this off? Well, aside from his fascination with American History, he’s armed with a 204 IQ, a “speed memorization rate” of 1.2 pages per second, the ability to run kinda quick, his expected life span of 120 years, his ability to hold his breath for 6 minutes, a nigh mutant ability to slow down time mentally and increase his reaction time (colloquially known as “Time Stalling”), his patriotism and LOVE of the United States (now dissolved for some reason), his West Point fight training which specialized in “Mosh-T” – an occidental improvement of martial arts, his skills with an MPPT (Micro-Pellet Projection Tube) disguised as a keyless car alarm remote, and lastly his Specified Encapsulated Limitless Memory Archive, or SELMA for short.

Don’t believe me? THEY TELL YOU ALL OF THIS AS A VOICE OVER IN THE PILOT.

SELMA is disguised as an AT&T MasterCard, the PERFECT 90′s disguise, and it can also holographically project itself as an avatar in the shape of Darien’s spinsterish long lost Mother that he has only ever known from a framed picture – his most prized childhood possession. It creates a weird dynamic between the oddly upbeat Darien and the lifeless computer that he continually asks to do everything for him. What’s odder is that SELMA clearly has taken on the characteristics of the Mom, pulling tricks like ill-informing him and chiding him coldly.

I’m still unsure of how it hacked an electric fence, but SELMA’s from the year 2193. I bet that’s babytime frolics for computer from then.

The show mostly focuses on Darien as he hunts down a bad guy each week and zaps them with his MPPT to stun them or send them back to the future. When he’s not doing that, for the most part he spends his downtime befuddled by primitive marketing contrivances

or slightly screwing up the timestream.

Taking a look back at the show it’s hilariously dated. Any show that tries to predict the future of human society in a time before everyone had a cellphone at all times and the internet at their fingertips is going to have some clunky and predictable storytelling. It also clearly cuts corners by keeping the show’s action anchored in the 90′s – though you can tell that they REALLY wanted to do more time hopping. It smells like a Quantum Leap clone, and it really is. Darien Lampert is clearly a knock off Sam Beckett, just without the foggy memory and mixed with a bit of Michael Knight from Knight Rider.

I’ve often wondered what an American Doctor Who would be like. I’ve always known that it shouldn’t mirror the format or mentality of the British DW, and I always thought Voyagers was the closest you could come to a time traveling Amercian DW show. But upon reflection, I now think that Time Trax is a MUCH better realization of an “American Ideal” DW show. I mean, just look at it! Patriot and nigh-superhuman lone cop Darien Lambert fights future criminals with a laser keychain episodically with his all-knowing computer Mom sidekick! All while trying to cut every corner budget wise! If that’s not the most American Doctor Who re-imagining from the early 90s, then I’ll eat my hat!

Hell, IT EVEN HAS A SNES VIDEO GAME!

It’s this kind of cheese and earnest TVcraft that SCREAMS cult following, but yet I’ve never heard of it until today.

It’s for that reason that I’ve just ordered the first season from Amazon, and I’ll be reviewing each episode as soon as I get it!

WANNA JOIN IN THE FUN? ORDER YOUR OWN COPY AND WATCH ALONG WITH ME!

Today is one of those days.

In my usual surfing this morning I came across Jurassic Heart, a single episode Dating Sim that was created for a contest/collaboration of Dating Sim authors.

For those who don’t know what a Dating Sim is, it’s like a video game Choose Your Own Adventure story. They can be fairly complicated or rather simple like Jurassic Heart, but the player’s input affects how the story develops.

In Jurassic Heart, you play a young woman who accidentally broke the ukulele of a T-Rex named Taira-Kun. She’s coordinated a date with him to replace it, and she needs everything to go perfectly so that he doesn’t get furious and leave, hating her FOREVER.

It’s silly to the max, but there’s so much heart in this. It’s a lampoon of the genre, which may lose some translation for those who have never played one before – but I’m sure EVERYONE would agree that the chance to play a girl on a date a ukulele playing T-Rex isn’t something they’d pass up.

On the Internet After Dark scale of 10 Sexy Ladies,
I give Jurassic Heart 9 Sexy Ladies.

The only thing I can complain about is that it’s over too quickly. Hopefully the artistic team that put this together will act on this game’s new-found internet popularity (and infamy) and expand the concept into more dinos and more dates.

That’d be hilarious fun.

FOLLOW THIS LINK TO PLAY THE GAME!

CREDITS