First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata: A HAM-FISTED PATRIOTIC REVIEW
The First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts debuted today, and at lunchtime I rushed out to purchase one. I seem to have been the first to do so, because – despite all of the in store marketing, no one knew what I wanted or how to prepare one or even how much the thing cost. At first they tried to just give me the cup and prepare three humongous cooloatas. I interrupted them, and through a language barrier as humongous as the coolatas they were preparing and me, I finally gave up and took the sign off their register and inverted it so they could see what it was I wanted. With an angry glance they set to work crafting the massive drink. Still embarrassed about creating three large coolatas without communicating with me first, the manager tried to charge me for three drinks. I said no way was I paying for their mistake, and eventually haggled the price down to 5 dollars. I have no idea if this is the actual price for the thing – there was no price on any of the signs, and I doubt they’ll sell many more of those – even in the crazy heat.
[My First Avenger Coolata hunting Nazis in the jungles of Germany.]
The First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts is a wide drink built to accommodate the three chambers. Each adorned with a slick Cap picture from the movie. The chambers are filled with AMERICAN Vanilla coolata (white), PATRIOTIC Raspberry (blue), and FLAG-WAVIN’ Cherry (red, and their new limited-time Captain America flavor). For those who don’t know what a First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts is (or any Coolata for that matter), to my best scientific deduceary it seems to be a mixture of heavy colored corn syrup flavoring, ice, and McDonalds shake mixture. After an exciting run back to my office, I had to decide where to start first.
FLAG WAVIN’ Cherry: I decided to start my First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts from the limited edition flavor first! Cherry. As American as Baseball and Apple Pie. Why they didn’t make an apple pie flavored Coolata and make it red is a bit of a mystery, other than people associate cold red drinks with Cherry – and deviating from that could spook the rubes. That or a spiced apple filling flavor Coolata could be wicked gross. Especially if it’s blood red. Anyway, the FLAG WAVIN’ Cherry holds up to my high standards of cherry flavored drinks. Which is to say, it tastes like cherry. I have very low standards for cherry. I will eat most medicine if it’s cherry flavored. Therefore it passed my high standards. The FLAG WAVIN’ Cherry isn’t as flat as a medicine taste, and it’s not as heavy as a grenadine, but it is very sweet. Drinking it filled me with the rush of 1,000 Minute Men – sounding the charge!
>DOUGLAS MACKRELL GAINS
> +27 MINUTE MANGRIT POINTS
[Newly birthed First Avenger Coolata!]
PATRIOTIC Raspberry: The second chamber on my First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts contained the bluest of berries, Crunchberries. I don’t believe that “Blue Raspberry” is a flavor in nature, but is in fact the byproduct of juiced Crunchberries. It was sickeningly sweet. Even sweeter than the FLAG WAVIN’ Cherry, and that was already like eating a heaping bowl of sugar. Heaven help the parents of the child who sucks back one of these sugary monstrosities – because they will not sleep for a week. I had endured the rocket’s red glare, and braved through the blue raspberry bombs bursting in air and it left me with a shell sugar shock from the war. You know which one. The bad one.
>DOUGLAS MACKRELL SUFFERS
> -12 POST TRAUMATIC SWEET DISORDER DAMAGE
[My First Avenger Coolata hailing a cab - FOR FREEDOM!]
AMERICAN Vanilla: The last chamber of my First Avenger Tri-Cup Coolata from Dunkin’ Donuts was the most American of flavors – vanilla. Forget that French stuff. What did they ever do for America? Start a war I think? Over Mexico or something? Whatever. We didn’t even want that anyway. We were too busy enjoying our vanilla shakes! Which was exactly what this tasted like. It was an odd gear shift from the overly sweet Raspberry and Cherry chambers, and that slow down for my taste buds was greatly appreciated. Like the amber waives of grain and purple mountains only white and not dirt flavored. It jerked me back from my sugar coma and filled me with pride. Pride that a drink like this can exist! Pride that a super hero cash-in represented as a drink that could provide the nourishment for a week in a star spangled Tri-cup! It’s like Christmas! AMERICAN CHRISTMAS! THE COLORS! ALL THE COLORS! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOAMERICANFREEDOMPATRIOTFLAGREDWHITEBLUEAMERICA!
> +169 PRIDE IN AMERICA POINTS
>IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE
[My First Avenger Coolata was just joined by Private Bucky Cupcake.]