Internet After Dark

> LOADING REVIEW…….

In honor of surviving this weeks tests, and for loosing two inches off my waistline, I decided today would be the day I would try a Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut. Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut debuted earlier this week, but I had resisted trying it based on not having the time to properly review it between studying for my various tests, and because I learned exactly what this thing will do to my insides FROM that studying. Lipids, e pluribus unum.

[Everything is shiny - FOR AMERICA!]

The first step in celebrating this donut that would be Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut, I needed to figure out how to consume this star shaped jubilee. Since no directions were offered in the Dunkin’ Donuts, I decided the only way to truly get a feel for this conscientious confectionery was to consume it ONE POINT AT A TIME! Clearly Dunkin’ Donuts put a lot of thought into this Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut, and each point of the star MUST mean something poignant. It was up to me, as a reviewernaut, to get to the bottom of those meanings. With my mouth. And my feelings. LIKE AN AMERICAN.

Since our 235 year old country is 235 years old this year, I began my eating expedition to the heart of the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut by properly aging the donut to roughly 235 donut years. This meant saving the donut until lunchtime after I purchased it in the morning before work.

>DONUT SUSTAINS

> -235 DONUT YEAR(S) DAMAGE

[The mighty paper sack, representing America's fortitude!]

The paper sack survived the wait with minimal grease damage, which lead me to believe that much like America, this donut DOES NOT RUN. Wait, those were colors. And flag. I think my point remains valid.

>CRITICAL FUMBLE

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL CAST

> MIXED METAPHOR

>AUDIENCE GAINS

> +7 CONFUSION RAMEKINS

[This is not a metaphor.]

I unsheathed the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut from it’s Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut paper sack, and discovered that it was covered in a white sheet. Since I’m afraid of looking racist, I quickly removed and consumed the paper – destroying the evidence.

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL SUCCESSFULLY

> DESTROYS EVIDENCE

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL SUSTAINS

> -4 HP PAPERCUT MOUTH DAMAGE

[Spangled!]

Ah, there we go. The Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut in all it’s uneaten glory. A marvel to behold. It’s robust polypointed shape filled me with American “pridehopefortitude!” The most American word since, “Tila Tequila”

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL GAINS

> +235 PRIDEHOPEFORTITUDE POINTS

>PRIDEHOPEFORTITUDE POINTS

> ARE NOT REAL

I quickly search for traps.

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL SEARCHES FOR TRAPS

>NO TRAPS DETECTED

Ah good. Now back to the review.

Each point on the star represented a key part of America, and so I found the first point of the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut, and decided it represented AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN.

[The AMBER comes from the frying!]

This point did not disappoint. For a point that represented both the beauty of America and it’s glorious bounty, I found that the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut supported this idea fully. It’s chewy dough and star shaped sprinkles reflected America in a way few other mass produced food products can. And that includes those 4th of July Oreos with pop rocks in them to represent fireworks!

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL UNLOCKED

> AMERICAN POINT OF STAR (1 of 5)

The next point hit me immediately. The second point of the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut represented STREETS PAVED WITH GOLD.

[SWEET LORD! WHAT IS THAT INSIDE?!?!]

My second consumed point lead me to discover something important about the design of the overall Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut. It had a vast cavity filled with a jam or jelly of some sort. At first this seemed to doom my attempt to consume the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut one point at a time, but I decided that, much like America, I don’t care if what I’m doing is a bad idea – IF YOU KEEP DOING IT, IT GETS DONE. Sisyphus was a WIMP! You KEEP AT IT until your boulder is over the hill, out of SPITE that there’s a side road that’s much easier.

This point was almost lost on me, until I realized that the discovery of the jellycavity was much like the unexpected luck of the American economy. One that has a father of 2 kids suffering in ignominiously in 4 jobs to keep a roof over his family’s head, while some 19 year old girl gets famous and rich for getting in fights and flashing her cooch as she gets out of limos. LAND OF OPPORTUNITY!

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL UNLOCKED

> AMERICAN POINT OF STAR (2 of 5)

With a bit more of a rush, I decided the next point represented TRUTH AND JUSTICE.

[Still holding together!]

This point was all dough on the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut, and caused little to shake the stability of the Donut as a whole. Which also reflects our judicial system. The point of American truth and justice is to scare people into being goodguys. the constant threat of legal repercussion should make most folk keep in line – and America does that very well. We have so much freedom here, that you can literally get away with anything – but the threat of our sue-happy nation keeps at least 75% of people from murdering each other. A basically non functional point that is necessary for the overall look of the star upholds this belief all too well.

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL UNLOCKED

> AMERICAN POINT OF STAR (3 of 5)

I’ve got the hang of this now! The next point of the Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut will represent the FRUITED PLAIN.

[Running out of holders.]

Ooog. Ok – there’s a lot of jelly starting to come out of this thing. Yeah – fruits are inside this. Fruited plain. That counts. I get it. I gotta hurry this up.

>DOUGLAS SUSTAINS

> -29 HP STICKYDAMAGE

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL UNLOCKED

> AMERICAN POINT OF STAR (4 of 5)

Oh crap – this is barely holding together. The last point clearly represents BASEBALL AND APPLE PIE.

[HOLD IT TOGETHER DONUT! HOLD IT TOGETHER!]

I mostly consume this point and remember how most baseball games I’ve attended go. It’s a lot of sitting around, watching something way too far away to care about while in the hot sun for hours – but always with someone else who DOES care about what they’re watching. Care one hell of a lot. It makes a balancing act of pretending to like the game to save face socially, and that’s what I was doing now. A balancing act to save my face from a jellysplosion. Like America? Ok, that point is a bit of a stretch.

>DOUGLAS SUSTAINS

> -46 HP STICKYDAMAGE

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL UNLOCKED

> AMERICAN POINT OF STAR (4 1/2 of 5)

[OH CHRIST! IT'S GETTING EVERYWHERE!]

I looked down and realized that I still had more Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut left, and after the failure of my last point – I realized what the point of this donut was all along. MORE. In America, there will always be more. Even if there’s never enough for some – there will always be more. More products. More food. More space. More money. More sex. More censorship. More guns. More freedom. More opportunity. If someone takes away our more, we go and damn well fight them until they give it back. If more is too heavy, we have it shipped to us. If more is too complicated, we have it put together for us.

I finished my Dunkin’ Donuts Captain America Donut, and noticed that there was something left behind. A single white star shaped sprinkle. There will always be more in America.

I threw away that sprinkle.

>DOUGLAS MACKRELL HAS UNLOCKED

> THE TRUE MEANING OF THE DUNCAN DONUTS CAPTAIN AMERICA DONUT

>REVIEW 

>COMPLETE

>NOW DOWNLOADING MORE ADDS